


Hand Maid May drabbles

by KB9VCN



Category: Hand Maid May
Genre: Drabble Collection, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2002-03-31
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2018-06-02 12:40:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 41
Words: 4,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6566551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB9VCN/pseuds/KB9VCN
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Written March 2002; humor; 100 words.</p>
          </blockquote>





	1. Mexican Radio

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written March 2002; humor; 100 words.

Kazuya swiveled around in his chair to see May stagger into the room, holding her head. "May?"

"Oh, Kazuya... I can't get it... out of my head..." She fell to the floor, spasmed, and lay still.

"MAY!!"

—

It was another virus. Kazuya had found it in her memory space, downloaded it to his computer and de-compiled it. He stared at its source code and marveled at its fiendish simplicity.

**DO**  
     **PLAY MexicanRadio.mp3**  
**LOOP**

He sighed as he triggered May's MEMORY RESET function. _There's no other way to stop it,_ he thought. _And now it's stuck in my head, too._


	2. My My My My

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written March 2002; humor?; 100 words.
> 
> Reused 13-Jul-2008 for the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[dear me](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1685108.html)" prompt.
> 
> This was lifted from the story of the boy who was forced to write a 100 word story. He wrote, "A girl saw a kitten. She called, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty...'"

"My my my. My. My my my my. My. My my my my my. My my my my my my my my my. My my. My my my my my my. My my my my my. My my my. My my my my my. My my my my my my my my. My my my my my my my my my. My my my my my my my. My my my my my my my my my. My my my. My my. My my my. My my my my my my my my. My my my my," said Mami. Again.


	3. Hand Maid Goddess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written January 2003; crossover/humor; 100 words.
> 
> This takes place before episode 5 ("Until Today... Really...").
> 
> See also [_Oh My Goddess!_](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oh_My_Goddess!) ( _Mini-Goddess_ ).

"Did you have a nice visit with Belldandy today?" Kazuya asked.

"Oh yes!" May said. "I learned so much from her! She knows so much about keeping house..."

Kazuya smiled. "Did you have any tips for her?"

May put one finger to her mouth, in thought. "Um... I mentioned my technique for preparing eggs..."

—

"NGH!!" said mini-Belldandy. "NGH!! NGH!!"

Mini-Urd, mini-Skuld and Gan watched her, in complete confusion.

Gan whispered from the side of his mouth. "Do you have any idea why she's whacking her head against that egg?"

Mini-Urd sighed. "I just hope she doesn't wear her emblem off."


	4. Ramen Regimen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written January 2003; humor; 100 words.
> 
> The calculator gag was lifted from an old [Snoopy and Woodstock](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peanuts) comic strip (with them, it was pizzas).

"EEEEEEEE!!" said Sara. "My dress doesn't fit!! How could this have happened!?"

Nambara sighed, and held up a calculator. "It's very simple..."

He tapped at the calculator's keys. "We count the bowls of ramen that you ate BEFORE lunch... add the bowls that you ate FOR lunch... and the bowls you ate AFTER lunch...

"And then, multiply that by a conservative estimate of calories per bowl—"

A tiny mushroom cloud appeared over the calculator as it melted.

Sara blinked. "What are you saying?"

Nambara sighed again. "You have to go on a diet. And you owe me a new calculator."


	5. Talk To The Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written May 2003; humor; 100 words.

Sara sat at her favorite diner counter. She grinned a big silly grin as the cook set a extra-large bowl of ramen in front of her.

"Itadakimasu!" she said, as she pulled apart her chopsticks. But then, she heard a phone ring.

Sara sighed, and set down her sticks. "Why do they always call during dinner?"

She held her thumb and pinky up like a phone. "Moshi moshi?... Er, no, thank you... No... I said no!... NO, I don't need additional health insurance! THANK YOU!!"

Sara sighed again. "Damn telemarketers. I'm just going to have to get an unlisted hand."


	6. The Bottom Rung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written June 2003; humor; 100 words.
> 
> Watch that first step. It's a lulu.
> 
> This contains slapstick violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Kasumi answered her phone. "Hiya, Kazuya. Whassup?"

"Kasumi? Listen," Kazuya said over the phone. "I've got something very important to tell you—"

"'Kay!" Kasumi said. "I'll be right over!"

"NO!! WAIT!!—" Kazuya said, just as Kasumi hung up the phone.

She opened her window, climbed onto the ladder between her room and Kazuya's apartment, and began to cross it.

But then, she suddenly fell through the ladder. "YEEEK!!"

Kazuya opened his own window, and called down. "I tried to tell you! A rung broke out of the ladder last night!"

Kasumi groaned, from the ground. "Oh. Thanks," she said weakly.


	7. Energized

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written June 2003; humor/parody; 100 words.
> 
> This takes place before episode 5 ("Until Today... Really...").
> 
>  
> 
> [She keeps going and going and going and...](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Energizer_Bunny)

"Kazuya, have you done something to May?" asked Kasumi.

"I replaced her batteries, and I used a different brand," Kazuya said. "Why do you ask?"

"She's been acting strangely," Kasumi said.

"What do you mean?" Kazuya asked.

Just then, May came into the room. She wore sunglasses, and she carried a scaled-down bass drum on a shoulder harness. She held a padded drumstick in each hand, and she beat the drum with them as she slowly crossed the room.

Kazuya and Kasumi silently watched her leave the room.

Kazuya gulped. "Uh... maybe she's trying out for the university marching band?..."


	8. Got Milk?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written June 2003; humor; 100 words.
> 
> This takes place before episode 5 ("Until Today... Really...").
> 
> This contains nudity and weird adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

May had finished her daily chores. _It's hot today,_ she thought. _I need a cold drink... and a nice refreshing bath._

She opened the refrigerator. _Hmm,_ she thought. _They say bathing in milk is good for your skin._

May fetched the milk and a bowl, and began to undress.

—

Kazuya came home, earlier than usual.

He saw a bowl of milk, partly hidden behind a milk carton. _The drinking glasses must be dirty,_ he thought.

He absent-mindedly picked up the bowl of milk, to drink from it.

The milk screamed. "YEEEK!!"

Kazuya grimaced. "This is WRONG... in SO many ways."


	9. Ring Around The Tub

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 3-Oct-2004; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**anime100**](http://anime100.livejournal.com/) "[bare feet, dripping tap, laughter](http://anime100.livejournal.com/59393.html)" prompt.
> 
> This takes place before episode 5 ("Until Today... Really...").

Kasumi crossed the ladder, and leaned through Kazuya's apartment window. "Yo! Anybody home?"

She heard the sound of a tap dripping into a full bathtub, and of water splashing... and of May's breathless laughter.

She found Kazuya standing over his bathtub, holding a string in one hand, and pulling it around the bathtub in circles.

Kazuya glanced behind him, and smiled at Kasumi. "Oh, hello. May said that she wanted to try barefoot waterskiing."

Kasumi pointed. "Um, Kazuya? You forgot to keep your arm moving."

"Oh, that's OK, Kasumi," said May. "I have a Styrofoam peanut for a flotation device."


	10. We Need The Eggs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 22-Mar-2005; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**wordoftheday100**](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/) "[parse](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/55816.html)" prompt.

Kasumi climbed through Kazuya's open window, and found Kazuya working at his computer, with May connected via USB cable. "Whassup?" Kasumi asked.

Kazuya explained. "We found a problem with May's artificial intelligence. If you say certain words to her, she fails to parse them correctly, and then she exhibits random behavior."

"Like what?" Kasumi asked.

Kazuya frowned. "It's kind of embarrassing..."

May smiled cheerfully. "I don't mind."

"Well, alright," Kazuya said. "May? 'Eggs Benedict'."

May suddenly began to cluck like a chicken.

"Wow," said Kasumi. "Usually, you have to hypnotize a girl to get her to humiliate herself like that."


	11. Forever Live And Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 29-Jun-2006; angst/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[a day to live and die](http://31-days.livejournal.com/543593.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "[(Forever) Live And Die](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/\(Forever\)_Live_and_Die)" by Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark.
> 
> This takes place before episode 5 ("Until Today... Really...").

May had gone missing again. Kazuya and Kasumi were searching for her.

"I hope we find May soon," Kazuya said. "Her batteries will run out of power by nightfall."

"She only has enough power for one day?" Kasumi said. "It's like she only has one day to live."

"Actually," Kazuya said, "she goes into a 'sleep mode', and recharges, just like everybody else...

"Still, thinking like that might help us find her. Kasumi? If you knew you only had one day to live, what would you want to do?"

Kasumi smiled sadly. _Oh, Kazuya,_ she thought. _If you only knew._


	12. Making Eyes And Heaving Sighs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 25-Jul-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[an electric love in her eyes](http://31-days.livejournal.com/563853.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

May had finished her self-assigned chores. With nothing else to do, she watched Kazuya work at his desk.

After some time, Kazuya cleared his throat. "Uh, May? I'm flattered that you find me that interesting... and I realize that you're a CyberDoll. But you're weirding me out. Could you please remember to move, and blink, and breathe?"

May let her head roll, threw back her shoulders, fluttered her eyes, and gasped for breath, in an entirely innocent yet extremely suggestive way. "* _hanh_ * Is this * _hanh_ * better? * _hanh_ *"

"NO!!" Kazuya said. "Er, I mean, that's... nice, but it's even more unnerving."


	13. Roll With The Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 12-Sep-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the inflexible, the irreconcilable, the stubborn](http://31-days.livejournal.com/648089.html)" prompt.

Kasumi climbed through Kazuya's apartment window, just as May left the room in a huff. "Um, is this a bad time?" Kasumi asked.

"No, no," Kazuya said. "May is a wonderful house-keeper, but I'm afraid that there's one thing on which we simply cannot agree."

Kasumi raised an eyebrow. "What's that?"

"May insists on replacing the toilet paper rolls backwards," Kazuya said. "I've always put up the roll so that the paper rolls off towards me—"

"Are you CRAZY!?" Kasumi suddenly yelled. "EVERYBODY knows that the paper rolls off toward the WALL!!"

Kazuya sighed sadly. "Oh, Kasumi! Not you too."


	14. Maid To Order

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Sep-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[relational aesthetics](http://31-days.livejournal.com/648089.html)" prompt.
> 
> I pretty much had to use that title, sooner or later.
> 
> This contains mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"Kei?" said Kazuya. "When you have time, could you recommend some Internet filtering software, and then help me install it on my computer?"

"Of course," Kei said. "But why would you want to install filtering software on your own computer?"

"Because of May," said Kazuya. "She wants to shop online for a new maid outfit for herself. And it's not that I don't trust her, but she can be naive, and... Well, the problem is, there are three kinds of stores that sell maid uniforms: service-industry outlets, Halloween costume shops, and... the 'other' kind."

"Eww," said Kei.

"Eww," Kazuya agreed.


	15. She Never Cleans In Sweats Or Jeans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 14-Oct-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[cure for the itch](http://31-days.livejournal.com/692306.html)" prompt.

Kasumi and Rena were hanging around in Kazuya's apartment. May walked past them, tugging at the collar of her maid uniform and making faces. "This new uniform itches," May said.

"You don't have to wear it for 

"Oh, I couldn't," May said. "My duties require a formal and professional appearance. Please excuse me— I have to clean the toilet now."

"That doesn't make sense," Rena whispered.

"Dress codes rarely make sense," Kasumi agreed.


	16. Manhandled Maid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 6-Nov-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[come with me, under my coat](http://31-days.livejournal.com/801187.html)" prompt.
> 
> This takes place before episode 5 ("Until Today... Really...").
> 
> This contains more adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

A woman walked up to Kazuya, and held up a paper bill. "Pardon me," she asked. "Do you have change for this?"

"Sure." Kazuya reached under his coat— and realized that May was hiding in the same pocket with his loose change. He sweat-dropped as he fished for his change and felt up May at the same time.

As soon as the woman left, Kazuya turned and whispered into his coat. "MAY!! I'm so sorry!! Are you alright!?"

A disheveled May peeked at him. "That," she said in a husky voice, "was the best full-body therapeutic massage I've ever had."


	17. Above Moore's Law

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 15-Nov-2006; angst/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[old maid in the garret](http://31-days.livejournal.com/801187.html)" prompt.

May watched Kazuya pull a chair up to an open closet. He picked up a large box, carefully climbed up on the chair, and set the box on a high shelf in the closet.

"What's that?" May asked.

"Some older computer hardware," Kazuya said. "Most technology becomes obsolete after a couple of years. I probably should just throw it out, but I guess I'm a packrat... What's wrong, May?"

"Will you put me in your closet in a couple of years?" a tearful CyberDoll May asked.

Kazuya gave her a reassuring smile. "A Hand Maid May will never become obsolete."


	18. Dolly Rocker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 11-Jan-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) 2006 Theme Exchange #11 "you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere" prompt.
> 
> This takes place before episode 5 ("Until Today... Really...").
> 
> This contains mild creepy adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Kasumi had asked May to spend a day with her, after May had spent so much time alone with Kazuya.

"You shouldn't worry, Kasumi," said May, as she sat on Kasumi's bed. "Kazuya is a perfect gentleman."

"Well, yeah," Kasumi said, "but he still gets weird... anyway, let's play 'dress-up'!"

May blinked. "Wait— what?"

Kasumi suddenly reached for May. "I have an old 'Raggedy Ann' doll's dress that should fit you perfectly! C'mon, take off that maid uniform! It's just us girls, so don't be shy!"

May whimpered. As bad as Kazuya's perverted daydreams might be, this might be worse.


	19. Kernel Of Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 15-Mar-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I don't know how I let you so far inside my mind](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1000590.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Kasumi silently watched Kazuya as he updated May's AI at his computer, with May connected via USB cable.

"Say, May?" she finally asked. "Doesn't this weird you out?"

May blinked. "What do you mean?"

"Well, when someone looks inside your brain like that," Kasumi said, "it's like he's reading your mind."

"Not really," May said. "It's reassuring that he literally understands my operating system down to the kernel."

"Actually," Kazuya said, "I need to make some changes to your BIOS now, May. This won't hurt a bit."

May closed her eyes. "Please... be gentle."

"OK," Kasumi said, "that's just creepy."


	20. Chest Toy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 23-Apr-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "real happiness within reach" prompt.
> 
> This contains cheesy adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Kazuya saw Kasumi carry a short step ladder into the apartment complex storage room. "Need some help?" he asked.

Kasumi set the ladder in front of some tall open shelves. "You could steady this ladder for me," she said.

Kazuya stood in front of Kasumi, leaned forward to brace the ladder, and found that Kasumi's chest was nearly in his face.

"I wanted to bring my old toy chest out of storage," Kasumi said. "...no, I still can't reach it. Think you could grab my chest, Kazuya?"

_I really, REALLY hope she's doing this on purpose_ , Kazuya thought to himself.


	21. Reach Out And Touch Someone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 30-Aug-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> This contains mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"Sara?" asked Kazuya. "I can't find my cellphone. Could I make a call from 'your' phone?"

"Of course." The cyberdoll held her thumb and pinky up like a phone, and offered her hand to Kazuya.

"I've taken calls from you," Kazuya said, "but I've never placed a call. How do I dial the number?"

Sara suddenly blushed furiously. "You want to dial it 'manually'? ...alright. I'd like that too, hon."

Kazuya blinked. "Wait— what?"

Sara began to loosen her clothing with her free hand. "Don't worry... I won't tell anyone..."

Kazuya panicked. "Can't I just tell you the number instead!?"


	22. Not Seeing Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 12-Dec-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[collecting memories in a rainbow pot](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1321868.html)" prompt.

May watched Kasuya open a small box. "Is that my new maid uniform?" she asked eagerly.

"Yup," Kasuya said. "And I was careful to order another red one for you."

He opened the box, pulled out the uniform, and shook it out. May's face suddenly fell. "Is something wrong?" Kasuya asked.

"It isn't red," May said.

"What do you mean?" Kasuya asked. "Of course it's red!"

"Red is RGB(255, 0, 0)," May said. "That uniform is RGB(253, 2, 3)."

"May?" said Kasuya. "Just because your optical sensors are capable of distinguishing sixteen point seven million colors? You don't HAVE to."


	23. Moments To Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 24-Jan-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I'll note you in my book of memory](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1361030.html)" prompt.

May walked up to Kazuya, carrying a tall glass, as Kazuya worked at his computer. "Would you like a glass of milk?" May asked Kazuya sweetly.

"Well, sure," Kazuya said. "Thanks, May."

"At 10:05:30," May happily said to herself, "Kazuya thanked me for bringing him milk."

Kazuya sweat-dropped. "May? I know that you treasure memories, more than most Cyberdolls or humans, but you really shouldn't fixate on trivial details like that. Frankly, it's kinda creepy."

"At 10:05:45," May happily said to herself, "Kazuya scolded me for fixating on trivial details and creeping him out."

"Completely missing the point," Kazuya noted.


	24. Billboard Bombarded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 15-Feb-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1430852.html)" prompt.

"Good morning!" May said to Kazuya, as she pulled open the curtains.

"Uh, May?" said Kazuya. "You probably shouldn't open those curtains."

"Why not?" May asked innocently. She looked out Kazuya's window, and saw a billboard had been erected beside the apartment, with a five-meter-high picture of Nanbara's leering face above the words "I LOVE YOU MAY!!"

Cheerful smile painfully frozen on her face, May slowly pulled the curtains closed again.

"You know," a bemused Kazuya said, "if Nanbara has enough money to put up a billboard on a city lot in Japan, he could just order another CyberDoll instead."


	25. Dismayed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 11-Apr-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[on usefulness and the passage of time](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1549763.html)" prompt.

"Look at this, May," said Kazuya, pointing at a magazine advertisement. "They're selling a self-propelled vacuum cleaner that steers itself around furniture."

"Oh dear," said a worried May.

"I didn't mean it that way," Kazuya said kindly.

"Yes," May said, "but I'm still afraid that maids will eventually be replaced by machines!"

Kazuya signed. "May? What are you, and where did you come from?"

"I am a CyberDoll, a highly-advanced artificial humanoid designed for housework by the CyberDyne Corporation, and sent back through time to serve you," May said.

Kazuya waited for the coin to drop.

"Ohhhhh," May finally said.


	26. She's CyberDoll That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 22-Jun-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[we both know you're worth so much more](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1634356.html)" prompt.

"I know May is worth $1,450,000.00," Nambara asked Sara, "but how much are you worth?"

"I doubt even you can afford my MSRP." Sara said smugly. She whispered in Nambara's ear.

"Oh, is that all?" Nambara said casually, as he opened his checkbook.

"What are you doing?" Sara asked nervously.

"Purchasing you," Nambara said. "Do I make the check out to 'CyberDyne Corporation'?"

Sara blushed. "You... want me?" she asked.

"I may be a cad and a scoundrel," Nambara said, "but I'm not a freeloader like Kazuya!"

_I don't know whether to be flattered or insulted_ , Sara thought to herself.


	27. The Persistence Of Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Feb-2009; humor; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days_exchnge**](http://31-days-exchnge.livejournal.com/) " _damnatio memoriae_ (damnation of memory)" prompt.
> 
> This contains very mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"Kazuya?" asked May. "Is it possible for you to delete some data from my memory circuits?"

"What? Why?" Kazuya asked in surprise. "You've always treasured the memories you've made. Why would you want to forget any of them on purpose?"

"I don't treasure ALL of my memories," May said. "I wish I could forget when I spilled the milk, this morning."

"Please don't worry about that," Kazuya said reassuringly. "Spilled milk is nothing to cry over."

"...or that time I accidentally locked myself out of your apartment, dressed only in my underwear," May said.

"I could understand why you'd want to forget that," Kazuya thought out loud. "But I must admit that I'll never forget it myself."

"...or that other time I accidentally gave top-secret atomic research to a East European spy," May said. "Boy, was my face red!"

Kazuya blinked. "...wait— when did that happen?"

"Well, never mind!" May said nervously. "Don't you have any embarrassing memories that you wish you could forget?"

Kazuya frowned in thought. A small cloud of depression formed over his head.

And then, he began to walk away. "I'll help you erase your memories," he said, "after I hire a neurosurgeon to remove mine."


	28. Degrading Upgrading

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 15-Apr-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[to change your mind](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3181743.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains slapstick violence and degrading humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Sara knocked at Kazuya's apartment door, holding a small package. "I have a processor upgrade for May," she said.

Kazuya watched as May walked up. "Can you upgrade May's hardware without any tools?" Kazuya asked.

"It's easy, now that she has a full-sized chassis," Sara said. "Ready, hon?"

"Yes," May said, as she held her long hair to one side.

Sara delivered a fierce dope-slap to the side of May's head. A processor circuit popped out from behind May's ear.

Kazuya sweat-dropped. "Uh... are you alright, May?"

"DUHHHHHHH," said a processorless May.

"I'll take that as a 'no'," Kazuya said.


	29. She Has Bad Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 16-Dec-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[Let's make them! Wonderful new memories!](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3272715.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains brief mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"Is there anything you'd like to do this weekend?" Kazuya asked May.

"Could we go nude skydiving again?" May asked.

Kazuya sweat-dropped. "What do you mean 'again'?"

"Don't you remember?" May asked. "We went nude skydiving after we robbed that bank."

Kazuya frowned. "Maybe we had better run some diagnostic tests on your memory cells. I think some of them might be corrupted."

"But we've already run those diagnostic tests," May protested. "Don't you remember?"

Kazuya patiently gave his robot maid a sympathetic smile.

"...oh," May said. "In that case, I suppose we had better run those diagnostic tests now."


	30. Cutlery Leery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 20-Feb-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[this blade here is my best friend](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3295603.html)" prompt.

Kazuya watched May chop vegetables with superhuman efficiency at his apartment's kitchen counter.

"I know you have the speed and reflexes of a CyberDoll," Kazuya said, "but that still looks dangerous."

"Kitchen utensils can be dangerous," May agreed, "but if you keep them clean and sharp, and if you respect their intended uses, they'll serve you well."

As if on cue, Rena marched through the kitchen, childishly banging a ladle against an overturned pot.

"That wasn't a knife," Kazuya noted, "but she wasn't respectful."

"Regardless of Rena's age," May said, "knowing her personality, we shouldn't let her handle any knives."


	31. Out Of Her Depth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 1-May-2017; humor/romance?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[but the mirror disagreed](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3316945.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

Kazuya was distracted from his work by strange sounds in the bathroom. * _haanhhhh_ * * _squeak_ * * _squeak_ * * _haanhhhh_ * * _squeak_ * * _squeak_ * * _haanhhhh_ * * _squeak_ * * _squeak_ *...

He found May repeatedly breathing on and scrubbing the bathroom mirror. "Uh, May?" he asked nervously.

"I can't seem to get rid of this smudge," May cried, "no matter how much I scrub it!"

Kazuya glanced behind her. "May? That's a smudge on the opposite wall, not the mirror."

"...oh," May said. "Oops."

Kazuya gently held the robot maid's face and looked directly into her eyes. "Maybe we should adjust your depth perception."

"OK," a suddenly blushing May said.


	32. USB Flash Driven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 28-May-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[on a lost memory stick](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3324655.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This might be slightly anachronistic, as _Hand Maid May_ and the first USB flash drives were both released in 2000.
> 
> This contains adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"I found this USB flash drive on campus," Kazuya said to May, "but there's no name on it."

"Shall I see what's on it?" May asked.

"If you do, be careful," Kazuya said. "It might contain a virus."

"I'll be careful." May plugged the drive into herself. "Accessing files..."

"So, what's on it?" Kazuya asked.

May suddenly yanked the drive from herself, pulled a hammer from her Hammerspace, and smashed the drive.

"Ah," Kazuya said. "Fetish porn, huh."

"Extremely Specific Fetish porn," May whimpered.

Kazuya grimaced. "I'm sorry, May."

"I wasn't infected," May said miserably, "but I feel so UNCLEAN."


	33. I Can't Own Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 21-Jun-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I'm not free. I've never been free](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3326885.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> See also "[I Can't Own Her](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnglVTzAFBI)" by XTC.
> 
> This contains adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

A young man was trying to chat up May. "I like your maid uniform cosplay," he said. "Can I take you somewhere for a drink?"

"Oh no," May said cheerfully. "I have to buy groceries for my master."

"Your 'master'?" the man said nervously. "No offense, but I think you're just a bit TOO kinky for me."

"That's OK," May said obliviously. "There's lots of other girls just like me."

The man misunderstood her. "Really?"

"Yep!" May said. "And any one of them will cost you only ¥1450000."

"OK," the man said, "I'm pretty sure THAT is just outright ILLEGAL."


	34. Garbage Not In, Garbage Not Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 9-Jul-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I think there's a flaw in my code](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3327585.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains anachronistic programming humor. Reader discretion is advised.

A computer-science classmate of Kazuya's had gone to Kazuya's apartment to work on a project. He found Kazuya carrying two bags of garbage down the apartment steps.

"Why are YOU taking out the trash?" Kazuya's classmate asked. "You shouldn't expect a woman to do that, but May didn't seem to mind. And she IS a maid, after all."

"I rewrote some of her programs in the [Rust programming language](https://www.rust-lang.org/en-US/)," Kazuya explained. "It's fast and safe, but it might not have been the best choice for a robot maid."

"Why?" Kazuya's classmate asked.

"Rust doesn't have built-in garbage collection," Kazuya said.


	35. Sudoer?  I Hardly Even Know Her!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 5-Sep-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[then, tell me what you'll do to me](https://31-days.livejournal.com/2593257.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains more contrived adult computer humor (I'm short on inspiration at the moment.) Reader discretion is advised.

Sara found Kazuya sitting at his computer and his harem of CyberDolls sitting around him. "What's up?" Sara asked.

"System maintenance," Kazuya said. "Want me to tune up your file-system while I'm at it?"

"Sure." Sara kneeled between May and Kei. "So, what commands are you running, exactly?"

Kazuya read a list of commands from a script-file on his computer:

"[unzip; strip; touch; finger; grep; mount; fsck; more; yes; fsck; fsck; umount; clean; sleep—](http://wiki.bash-hackers.org/misc/shell_humor)"

"KAZUYA!! Please watch your language!" May held her hands over Rena's ears.

"Is this system maintenance or an orgy?" Sara asked. "I'm OK with either one."


	36. I Love A Rainy Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 28-Nov-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[kingdom of rain](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3329779.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> See also "[I Love A Rainy Night](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MG0e8_foDmU)" by Eddie Rabbitt.
> 
> This contains cheesy adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Kazuya and May were lounging in Kazuya's apartment and listening to a summer evening rain.

"The rain is so relaxing," May said happily.

"Mmm," Kazuya agreed.

A soaking-wet Kasumi suddenly barged in through Kazuya's window. "It's pouring down! My T-shirt is completely soaked and stuck to my skin!"

"Oh dear!" May jumped to her feet. "Please let me help you peel off those clothes! And you can warm up in Kazuya's bath."

"Oh, thank you, May. Say, why don't we take a bath together?"

May turned back to Kazuya. "Would that be alright, Kazuya?"

"Sure," a not-at-all relaxed Kazuya squeaked.


	37. A Pair Of Glasses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 17-Dec-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[fogged up glasses](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3330148.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"I've always wondered why you wear glasses," Kazuya said to Kei. "I'm pretty sure that all Cyberdolls have superhuman vision."

"I like to wear glasses as a fashion accessory," Kei said, "but also, I am told that many humans like girls with glasses. Do you like them, Kazuya?"

"Oh. Well, uh..." Kazuya's own glasses suddenly fogged over from his embarrassment.

"What a fascinating reaction! Analyzing..." Kei's glasses also fogged over as her processor temporarily locked up.

And then, May and Sara walked up. "I wonder if they're alright," May said nervously.

"Love is blind," Sara noted, "but stupidity is near-sighted."


	38. Debug Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 22-Jan-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[all hard things visible and invisible](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3331131.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> I can't believe it took me sixteen years to think of this joke.
> 
> This contains squicky humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"What do you have planned for today?" Kazuya asked May.

"I'm going to do some 'debugging'," May said proudly.

"That's great," Kazuya said. "Are you working with the CyberDoll code base, or have you started a software project of your own?"

"Not THAT kind of debugging, silly!" The robot maid held up a fly swatter and a can of roach spray.

"Oh," said Kazuya. "I don't mean to offend you, but are you sure you're OK with handling insects?"

"Absolutely," May said confidently. "Actually, I love the crunchy little noises that bugs make when I squish them."

"...eww," said Kazuya.


	39. Hand On Hold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 18-Feb-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[to be capable of anything you need the right support](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3332043.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

Nanbara found Sara sitting next to a desk phone playing elevator music on speaker mode.

"I've been trying to call you," Nanbara said. "If you're on hold, why can't you answer your built-in phone?"

"My telecommunications circuit isn't working," Sara explained. "I"m on hold with Cyberdyne tech support."

"Well, yes," Nanbara said, "but if you're ON HOLD, why can't you answer your BUILT-IN phone?"

"Do you know what 'telecommunications' means?" Sara asked impatiently.

"Yes..." 

Sara held her thumb and pinky like a phone. "Do you KNOW what THIS is?"

"Yes..." 

Sara stared at Nanbara expectantly.

"...oh," Nanbara finally said. "Sorry."


	40. Bring May Flowers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 2-Apr-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[April showers bring May flowers](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3336873.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains thorny slapstick violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Nanbara barged into Kazuya's apartment with a huge bouquet of expensive roses. He kicked off his shoes and ran up to May and Kazuya's _kotatsu_. "MAY!!" he cried. "I brought you..."

He trailed off as he watched May happily water a tiny vase of wildflowers that Kazuya had obviously picked from the side of a road.

"ARRGH!!" A frustrated Nanbara threw his roses on the floor and stomped on them.

"Nanbara?" said Kazuya. "You shouldn't have done that."

"WHY NOT!?" Nanbara yelled.

"Because of thorns," Kazuya said.

Nanbara froze, and then slowly looked down at his feet.

"Ouchie," said Nanbara.


	41. Fingerprince

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 8-May-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[so we're slaves to any semblance of touch](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3337647.html)" prompt.

"You've really outdone yourself," Kazuya said to May as he looked around the room. "My apartment has NEVER been THIS clean."

May squee'd internally at Kazuya's praise. "I'm being extra careful," she said, "to clean EVERY surface smudged with fingerprints."

"Well, I had better get started on my homework." The college student sat at his computer, and then pressed a single key.

"WAIT!!" May cried.

"Huh?" said Kazuya.

The robot maid gently pushed Kazuya's hand aside, and then gingerly swabbed the key that Kazuya had touched.

"OK," May said. "Next."

_This is going to take awhile,_ Kazuya thought to himself.


End file.
